Ever so often I find myself waking up well before the sun decides it’s time to start the new day.
This used to make me madder than the pain of child birth, because the need for sleep was more than just rest.
It was my escape from the world and everything that came with it, and I was willing to get to the bottom of the bottle in an hour or less if that mean’t I was going to get to the state of sleep that I really wanted.
I now believe wholeheartedly that it’s God giving me a warning that i’m going to need to get my ass up and deal with some shit.
I suppose you could argue that it’s not but with faith comes believing, and I choose to believe.
Whatever keeps you from finding the bottom of a bottle right?
Because right now, the bottom of a bottle, well, it seems quite nice.
Most times I get up and tell God, not today yo, not today.
I’m gonna need you to take that on back because I just can’t handle that today, most days he does, until he finds a way to throw it back at you and say okay, it’s time for you to deal with this.
That my friend, is what you would call, “a test of faith” and yes, God will do that, he will test you, and it’s up to you how you respond.
Last night I received a message.
A message from a person that I genuinely trusted.
A person that I defended fiercely.
A person that I won’t name, because I believe that your word is all you really have so cherish it, and always stay true to it.
“I’m so glad you have found peace in the situation!”
The entire message was a blur other than those 10 words.
My mind repeated them like the memory of the day where it all started.
The day I never signed consent.
The day I never signed consent for the pain my child would endure.
The day I never signed consent for the tears my child would stain on my shirt as he screamed it hurts, with no end in sight.
The day I never signed consent for the massive swelling of his gums that would cause him to loose 2 pounds in 3 days from lack of nutrients.
The day I never signed consent for my child’s autism to literally be used against him to leave him in massive pain.
The day I never signed consent for my child’s autism to be the pure reasoning for deciding to put 14 crowns on my tiny, innocent, beautiful 3 year old
Peace comes from your soul, peace comes from pureness, from taking a deep breath in and taking one out and believing in your soul that the outcome of your situation is okay with you.
Peace is not acceptance.
Acceptance is knowing that though the outcome is not what you wanted, you have accepted that it is what it is and that you need to move on.
With peace comes Grace, and God knows I surely haven’t found that.
I may have faith, but Grace, I might just be waiting for that on my lonely dying day.
The only day I will find peace, will be the day South Mississippi Smiles decides to apologize.
Though I have decided to sprinkle a little bit of the Grace I have found and silently part from the venture of letting every mama and child know what they did to my little firecracker of a 3 year old, I will never find Peace in what they did.
Finding peace would mean that I don’t sit up at night and wonder if I could drink just one glass of wine without drinking the whole bottle to just forget for a second that I failed him.
That I failed my child.
That I failed to protect my child.
That I failed to advocate for my child.
That I failed to stop someone from hurting my child.
I am awful at many things, I fail at many things but, I have learned how to advocate.
See, I am the queen of advocating, I can tell you the law like the back of my hand.
My children’s doctor knows who I am and goes that extra mile because he knows I will say something.
My child’s hospital knows who I am and if I say no they step back, with zero questioning.
Advocating is my identity, someone once told me to take the bitch out of my pocket and once I learned how to do that, I became the mother the medical community hates, and I freaking owned that shit.
Yet, I still failed him.
Of every blog post I have ever written on this site,
“An Open Letter to the Dentist That Tried To Steal Elijah’s Voice”
is still the most popular post, it has been viewed over 3,000 times people search for it on google.
I suppose they could say the “reason” they won’t publicly apologize is because it violates HIPAA, and they violated HIPAA.
Yes, they even sent me a letter admitting they violated HIPAA, not sure what good that did.
Please though, rest assured they have not privately apologized nor do I believe they ever will.
I said, I’d never speak badly about them again, and I don’t believe this is, but if writing this out keeps me from finding moscato again, believe it, I’ll write everyday.
If you have followed us from the beginning, here is your update.
If you are new, now you know why we are called “Advocating for Elijah’s Voice”
In the meantime I’ll keep on trying to find Grace, while believing in Faith to be sober for just another day.
If you would like to read the open letter post the link is below.
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